A Love Note for Your Birthday

Today, my little love, you turn one year old.  I can only try to put into words how much I feel being your mother.

You have changed me.
You have made me a better human.
You have opened whole worlds to me with your chocolate eyes.
Your little giggle is music floating on a breeze.
The top of your head is a whisper and a thousand kisses.

It seems only yesterday that I held your little body in my arms for the first time, and yet it seems a million miles away.  You are growing and changing so fast, but really it is me who is learning.  Learning to love so simply but profoundly. I wonder where we'll be next year, and the year after that.

How much your father and I waited and wondered for you... imagining your face and personality.  Feeling your busy feet in my belly.  And when you came we were amazed at you.  You were beautiful and perfect.

Our first moments together

And now we are amazed everyday at everything you do.  Watching you learn the world is just as much an adventure for us.  The way you squeal and scoot and hold down your kitties... Big peekaboo smiles... Tired, gentle head laid on a shoulder... Such serious, sweet talking.

I feel many times a day that I am not complete without you.  Even in my weak, frustrated mommy-needs-a-drink-moments, no sooner have I left your side than I feel I left a part of me behind.  They call this secure attachment or the "mother-infant dyad." I call it being in love.

Everything in my being wants only perfection for you, but I know you will hurt.  You will cry over skinned knees and a broken heart.  And every time you hurt, I will too. But I promise to try my best to let you be, even though I'll want to take on the world for you.  And even though I would keep you beside me forever, comforting you with arms and breast, I know I cannot.  Someday my part will be finished.  And that, my little one, is the absolute only tragedy of being your mother... that I see our future is finite.

And so I will cherish every moment we have.  Every exhausting back-breaking moment.  Every grin and tear and sleepy sigh.  Happy Birthday sweet baby.  I hope we've only just begun to show you how greatly loved you are.

            Love,
            Your mama

 

September exploring